Making Certain Everyone Understands And No One Is Offended

The residents (people) of Clydesville (town), in Virginia (state, eastern U.S.) are angry (pissed off). This is a small (tiny) community just 65 miles (105 km) from the largest city (lotsa peeps/noise). Clydesville has no stores, no traffic lights, and no noise, with the exception of a squawk (noise) now and then (not often) from a few Canada Geese (big birds) or a resident (chronic ne’er-do-well) who’s got a beef (argument) with his or her neighbor (the creep next door).

The community has been described (envisioned) as a place where time (the thing that keeps everything from happening at once) has been turned back 100 years (a century, aka, ten decades). “It’s wonderful,” says a longtime resident who declined to give his name due to discussing a sensitive issue. But he, and virtually (almost everyone), is wary (uncertain) about some proposed (maybe yes, maybe no) changes. The federal government (hotshots in Washington DC) want to establish a training center to learn how to combat (fight) terrorists (bad guys). The area under consideration is a 2,000 acre (810 hectare) campus (damn big field), which would streamline and consolidate existing training centers scattered (not in one location) across 19 (almost 20) sites (places) around the country (USA).

In the sleepy (not quite awake) Fernwell County (or Parish if you prefer), the really big (Joe Biden) deal could result in a (whopping) $500 million dollar deal and also result in $75 million in stimulus (serious bucks) funds, creating, as one local official who declined to be named discussing a BFD, a shitload of jobs (activity) to encourage unemployed (lazy bums) residents (peeps) to find gainful employment (a job, and do something useful rather than watch daytime TV).

However, (on the other hand) as one community leader (local bigmouth), who declined to be interviewed except on background, said, “We don’t understand (beats the hell out of me) why the federal government has chosen such a pastoral (bucolic, rustic, boring) community, with comparatively low unemployment, for a military installation (cute guys and gals in uniforms).” Other opponents agree, saying this has all the earmarks (dog ears)  of a political plum (somebody’s getting paid off).

A government spokesperson (salaried loudmouth) counters, saying, the selection of the town was based on dozens of criteria (flipped a coin). But town opponents, at a recent meeting, criticized the project’s purpose and scope (mission statement) and accused the federal government of duplicity (they’re up to something devious). Proponents (they’ll agree to anything) counter that a recent poll showed that just 27% of the 405 residents oppose the project, and that people against something are always the loudest. A spokesperson for the proponents also pointed out that three out of four people make up 75% of the population.

Government officials from Washington DC insist that any ambient (noise) sound would be muffled by installing earthen berms (piles of dirt), a vegetated perimeter (cheap bushes), and baffled firing ranges (toy guns with flags printed BANG popping out of the barrels).

So far, it’s a stand off between those who are opposed (not in my back yard) and those who are in favor (as long as it’s in someone else’s back yard). A government spokesperson, who declined to be quoted on grounds of being a chicken says, “We’ll just let both sides argue themselves out. Then we’ll put up a Starbucks (place with cheap coffee that’s expensive) and while they’re protesting against that, no one will notice when we establish (sneak in) the training center.”


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