Archive for March, 2014

Actual newspaper headlines. Yes, these are real.

Wednesday, March 26th, 2014

Bugs Flying Around With Wings Are Flying Bugs.

Federal Agents Raid Gun Shop, Find Weapons.

Statistics Show That Teen Pregnancy Drops Off Significantly  After Age 25.

Diana Was Still Alive Hours Before She Died.

17 Remain Dead in Morgue Shooting Spree.

Worker Suffers Leg Pain After Crane Drops 800-Pound Ball On His Head.

Homicide Victims Rarely Talk To Police.

Marijuana Issue Sent To A Joint Committee.

Parents Keep Kids Home To Protest School Closure.

Meeting On Open Meetings Is Closed.

Starvation Can Lead To Health Hazards.

Man With 8 DUIs Blames Drinking Problem.

Hospitals Resort To Hiring Doctors.

Bridges Help People Cross Rivers.

Sometime the response to a question is a question…or a complaint.

Wednesday, March 19th, 2014

“How are you feeling?”

“How should I be feeling? With my bad back.”

 

“What time is it?”

“What do I look like? A clock?”

 

“I hope things turn out well.”

“I should be so lucky.”

 

“Dinner’s ready. Hurry up.”

“I’m coming. What’s with the ‘hurry?’ Is there a fire?”

 

“I’m wearing the tie you gave me.”

“What’s the matter? You don’t like all the other ties I gave you?”

 

“Want to go horseback riding?”

“Riding, shmiding. Do I look like a cowboy?”

 

“It’s a beautiful day.”

“So, the sun is out. What else is new?”

 

Three Jewish mothers are having lunch. The waiter comes over and says, “Ladies, is ANYTHING all right?”

 

A Jewish mother gets a phone call from her son. “A long time you haven’t called. You didn’t wonder if I’m dead yet?

 

A Jewish mother answers the phone, a call from her son.

“I haven’t eaten in a week. I didn’t want to have my mouth full of food in case you called.”

 

“It’s my birthday.”

“A year smarter you should become.”

 

Ceil says to Ida, “It’s awful what’s happening in Afghanistan.”

Ida says, “I live in the back, I don’t see nothing.”

Artists who have appeared live (many in person) on the WRHU Jazz Cafe with John Bohannon

Monday, March 17th, 2014

TV host/vocalist Regis Philbin

Jazz Banjoist/vocalist Cynthia Sayer

Les Brown, Jr with the Band of Renown

Composer Ervin Drake (It Was A Very Good Year)

Author David Evanier

Cabaret vocalist K. T. Sullivan

Cabaret vocalist Steve Ross

TV host/vocalist Peter Marshall, Hollywood Squares

Stride pianist/vocalist Judy Carmichael

Stride pianist Stephanie Trick

Vocalist Maud Hixson

Bassist Jim DeJulio

Guitarist Joe Carbone

Vocalist Ellen Kaye

Debbie Whiting, daughter of vocalist Margaret Whiting

Vocalist Jerry Costanzo

Comedian Pat Cooper

Vocalist Carol Sloane

Vocalist Sue Raney

Trumpet/vocalist Bria Skonberg.

Pianist Stan Wiest

Band leader Joe Battaglia, New York Big Band

Vocalist Jim Malloy

Broadway actress/vocalist Janene Lovullo

Vocalist Alex Pangman

Band leader Jack Millman

Vocalist Greg Pomrance

Vocalist Cary Hoffman

Vocalist Ed Romero

Vocalist Denice Donatelli

Vocalists Tom Toce & Kimberly Hawkey

Bassist John Ray

Guitarist Vinny Raniolo

Vocalist Shoshanna Bush

Vocalist  Joanne Tathem

Vocalist Ken Slavin

Pianist Ben Stein

Alto, tenor, baritone sax Lou Caputo

Bassist Chris White

Vocalist/pianist Phyllis Tagg

Vocalist Tom Culver

Vocalist Sam Broverman

Vocalist Mary Bogue

Vocalist/ jazz pianist Les McCann

Actress/vocalist Linda Purl

 

Seven Steps to Positive Community Interactions

Friday, March 14th, 2014

Police in New York City have been issued a new directive titled Seven Steps to Positive Community Interactions.
Mayor de Blasio and Police Commissioner Bratton say from now on, police officers will be required to introduce themselves by name and rank and must listen attentively and keep an open mind, and they must be patient.

“Excuse me, Mr. Alleged Perpetrator. I’m officer Mort Snerdly, badge number seven and a-half medium. Do you have a minute to chat?”
“Huh? What’s the beef?”
“Oh, no beef, sir. Pardon me, but I was just wondering about your activity in that jewelry store. It seems to be closed. And I observed you possibly exiting said building by the front door, which appears to have been jimmied.”
‘Sorry, pal, but I can’t hear you because of that burglar alarm. Loud sucker, ain’t it?”
“Yes, sir.  We can step a few feet away and chat.  That is, if you have the time.”
“Well, officer, I am in a rush here. Got an important appointment.”
“Yes, sir, I understand. But I noticed that your pockets are bulging.”
“I carry all my valuables with me.  Got to be careful these days. Leave things in your apartment, never know who might break in.”
“Sir, I’m really sorry to detain you, but I must inquire as to what you may have on your person.”
“My person?”
“Yes, Mr. Alleged Perp. In your pockets. What are you carrying?”
“Like I said, my stuff. You wouldn’t happen to have a search warrant on you, would you?”
“That won’t be necessary, sir. This is in the category, oh, excuse me while I check my manual. Ah, yes, here it is, in the category of probable cause.”
“The cause of what?”
“Forgive me for taking up your time, but it appears to me, wow, that burglar alarm is persistent, isn’t it?”
“Yeah, that store owner ought to be given a summons for unnecessary loud noise. Disturbing the peace around here. The neighbors may start complaining.”
“Yes, sir.  We’ll look into that. Now, about the items on your person.”
“Just a few things I picked up. Over the years, of course. You might say I’m a collector.”
“Yes, sir. I understand.  And I’m sorry to be so, well, nosey, but do you happen to have receipts for all those items?”
“I’m really in a hurry, officer.”
“No problem, sir. We could continue this conversation at the precinct. You won’t have to call a cab, we can ride in my squad car. Take just a few minutes to clear this up. May I interest you in some nice bracelets?”
“Huh?”
“They’re called handcuffs, sir. If you don’t mind, just turn around and you can try them on for size.”
“Now, wait a minute. Are you saying you’re arresting me?”
“Oh, perish the thought, sir.  Just detaining you for continuation of our little chat.  It’ll be much quieter at the precinct.”
“Well, officer, I think I’d better call my lawyer.”
“No problem, sir.  Here, use my cell phone.”
“Yeah, I’ll just call Bernie, my attorney. Hey, Bernie. It’s me. Got a little problem here. This nice police officer…what? Probable cause?  Ipso facto? Habeas corpus? Yeah, I’ll tell him.”
“What’s Bernie saying?”
“He says you got nothing. I should…”
“That’s all right, sir.  Sorry to have bothered you. You’re free to go.”
“Gee, thanks, officer. See you around. I hope not.  Heh, heh, just a little joke.”
“Uh, sir?  My cell phone?”
“Oh, yeah. Sorry. I do have my own.”
“Well, sir, I’m sorry to have detained you. I hope you won’t be late for your appointment. Have a good day. That burglary alarm is really loud. You wouldn’t have some ear plugs on you, would you?”
“Sorry, no.”
“No problem. I’ll just step over here.”
“Ok. And I’ll just check in with Bernie. On my own cell phone.  Bernie? Yeah, everything’s ok. He told me I was free to go. Yeah. Hey, thanks for saving my bacon.  No, I didn’t knock over a deli. It was a jewelry store.  Yeah, he’s checking on the loud noise from the burglar alarm.  Nice fellow.  Very polite, considerate, understanding, patient.  Yeah, I know.  A lot of that going around lately.”

Spring ahead or back or what?

Monday, March 10th, 2014

On Sunday, March 9 this reminder in the New York Daily News:

Daylight Saving Time. Spring Ahead. Did you turn your clocks back?

 

spring

Actual Instructions on Real Items.

Monday, March 10th, 2014

A hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.

A bag of snacks: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

A bar of soap: Directions. Use like regular soap.

Frozen dinners: Serving suggestion–Defrost. Heat. Enjoy.

Cough medicine for children: When taking this medication, do not drive a car or operate heavy machinery.

A sleep aid: Warning. May cause drowsiness.

A bag of peanuts: Warning. Contains nuts.

A child’s Superman costume: Wearing this suit will not enable you to fly.

The OOPS Department

Monday, March 3rd, 2014

A great-grandfather went to a local school in Connecticut to pick up his five year old great grandson. When they got home his wife was shocked. “You’ve got the wrong kid.”
“Huh? You said he would be wearing a yellow coat and a blue hat. Take a look.”
The old gent had to march himself–and the wrong kid–back to the school and he eventually returned with the right kid.
“Where did I leave my glasses?”

A local newspaper printed this correction:
Our typographical error was pointed out to us by a number of readers. We are embarrassed and contrite that our proofreading let such a error escape us.

Some years ago the Associated Press sent this brief story on its wires to radio, TV stations, and newspapers around the country:
This year’s drought in the northeast comes 20 years after the same region suffered thrwords.
Then came the correction:
This year’s drought in the northeast comes 20 years after the same region suffered thrties.
Well, that clears that up.