Archive for November, 2010

Quotes

Saturday, November 27th, 2010

Einstein said, “Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not change. Each is inevitably disappointed.”

Freud said, “What do women want?”

Physicist Stephen Hawking says, “I don’t understand what makes people tick, particularly women.”

Wilbur Zarf says, “The average man wants a woman who’ll just leave him alone.”

Our Government At Work

Friday, November 26th, 2010

The Homeland Security Department has finally, quietly and without fanfare, eliminated the color-coded warnings about terrorist attacks against the U.S.
The original code was:
Low (Green) Low Risk
Guarded (Blue) General Risk
Elevated (Yellow) Significant Risk
High (Orange) High Risk
Severe (Red) Severe Risk

The Feds have not released the new code yet, but one official is quoted as saying, “The goal is to replace a current system that communicates nothing with a partnership approach with law enforcement, the private sector, and the American public that provides specific, actionable information based on the latest intelligence.”
Sources say a new plan being considered is a simple approach, easily understood, a system that speaks to everyone in plain everyday language. *
YO (low risk) Stay Alert
HEY YO (general risk) Look Around
MAJOR YO (significant risk) Watch Your Step
BIG YO (high risk) Stop Texting/Cell Phoning And Pay Attention
REALLY BIG I AIN’T KIDDIN’ YO (severe risk) Don’t Start Reading Any Long Books
LAST YO (kaboom time risk) Man, I’m Outta/Here You’re On Your Own.

*If you don’t understand English, press two for Spanish, and lotsa luck. Leave a message.

The World According To Sarah Palin

Friday, November 26th, 2010

The other day Sarah Palin appeared on a right-wing radio talk show and was asked how she would respond as President to the recent North Korean attack against South Korea.
“This speaks to a bigger picture here that certainly scares me in terms of our national security policy,” she said. “But obviously we’ve gotta stand with our North Korean allies.”
Palin was reminded that the bad guys are the North Koreans, and she said, “Eh, yeah. And we’re also bound by prudence to stand with our South Korean allies.”
So, Sarah, does this mean that both countries are America’s allies and we should just stand on the sidelines and cheer both sides on while they duke it out? Maybe take the winner out for beer and pizza?

S’cuse Me

Saturday, November 6th, 2010

Dr. Harvey Goldberg was a renowned mathematician, respected and admired by his colleagues. He had numerous publications, which were widely circulated in academia. One day he was invited to return to his hometown to receive an honorary doctorate from his old university.
When he was introduced to the standing room only audience in the university’s largest auditorium, he strode proudly to the lectern to deliver his response, but dropped his typewritten acceptance speech. He quickly bent down to retrieve the pages and, much to his embarrassment, released a most noticeable, audible flatulence. The microphone at the lectern amplified the sound throughout the auditorium. He was mortified and ran from the stage and left not only the auditorium, but the campus and the town as well, the laughter still ringing in his ears and in his psyche.
Thirty years passed and he had to return to his home town because of a death in the family.
Checking in at a hotel, he was ready to sign the guest register. The desk clerk asked if this was his first visit to their town, and Dr. Goldberg said, “No, I was here many years ago, but because of an embarrassing incident have only just now returned.”
The desk clerk, a very young man, said, “Oh, sir, I would not be at all concerned. What you might think of as embarrassing is seldom remembered at all. Was it a long time ago that you were here?”
He said, “Yes.”
The clerk said, “Was it before or after the Goldberg Fart?”

Cheers

Saturday, November 6th, 2010

Never mind a beer, I’ll have the Bacon Soda.
It’s the latest fad, or at least the company that came up with the idea hopes it will become more than a just fad. Bacon Soda reportedly has no bacon, just some chemicals that smell and taste like bacon, so it’s ok for vegetarians and it’s kosher.
Some people in Manhattan who were brave enough recently to taste the new Bacon Soda decided it was yuky and icky. (Yuky and Icky. Was that a rock group that failed?) Anyway, the tasters, at least most of them, said no thanks.
The company, which markets Bacon Salt and something called Baconaisse (bacon flavored mayonnaise?), believes the new drink will catch on. And there’s even a new cocktail, using Bacon Soda, bourbon, cream, and an egg.
I’ll drink to that. But then, I’ve been known to drink to anything, including the opening of a venetian blind.

More Random Reportage

Friday, November 5th, 2010

Standard Time returns. Set your clocks back one hour. I’m setting mine back to when I was 25.

The new politics: One month to campaign, one year in office, one year in jail. Next.

If you put all politicians in a single line, it will encircle the earth and many of them will drown.

Never go to a class reunion. You’ll always feel younger than everyone else looks.

Think about this: In forty years we’ll have a bunch of cranky old women and grumpy old men hobbling around with sagging wrinkled tattoos.

You’ll know you’re getting older when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

There is no known cure for stupidity.

Onward and Upward in Advertising

Friday, November 5th, 2010

School boards in several states have approved advertising on school buses, lockers, and even on roofs of school buildings. School officials say it’s necessary because of severe cuts in budgets, and any income is welcome.
This could lead to other innovations in advertising. How about using short bald people and printing ads on their heads? They won’t have to say anything. Just walk around and let taller people read their ads.