Archive for October, 2010

Random Reportage

Saturday, October 30th, 2010

None of the candidates in the current midterm election are talking about the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq. Maybe those wars have ended and they forgot to tell us.

Christine O’Donnell, Delaware’s Republican candidate for the U.S. Senate, really is a witch. It’s on the Internet so it must be true.

China has lifted its ban against shipping neodymium and lanthanum to the United States. Those, reportedly, are rare plants with tenacious tentacle-like vines that will engulf you until you admit that Chop Suey is really an American invention and not true Chinese food. An hour later you’ll have to make the admission again.

The New York City Health Department warned that drinking one can of soda each day will make you gain ten pounds in a year. But there was an immediate dispute in the department over the scientific validity of directly linking sugar consumption to weight gain. The city’s chief nutritionist, Cathy Nonas, wrote in a memorandum to her colleagues, “The idea of a sugary drink becoming fat is absurd. The scientists will make mincemeat of us.” Drink up. And pass the pie. Mincemeat or Humble. Take your choice.

The National Institutes of Health says nearly 90 million Americans are obese. The Fat Watchers Institute of America says there are six distinct categories of overweight: Plump, Chubby, Heavyset, Fat, Obese, and What Time Does The Balloon Go Up?

She was so fat…
When she sat around the house she sat around the house.
When she went swimming Greenpeace towed her out to sea.
When she had to haul ass it took three trips.

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Signs Of Our Times

Sunday, October 24th, 2010

On a package of cheese: Made with milk from cows not treated with the artificial growth hormone rBST*

*The FDA has stated that no significant difference has been shown between milk derived from RSBT treated and non-RSBT cows.

Note the lower case r and the upper case R on the package. They’re just playing with our heads.

Huh?

Sunday, October 24th, 2010

A rabbi, a priest, and a duck walk into a bar.
The bartender says, “What is this? Some kind of a joke?”

Conversation Overheard At A Party

Sunday, October 24th, 2010

Woman: “Nice to meet you, but let me tell you that I’ll screw anyone, anytime, anyplace.”
Man: “Wonderful. I’m a lawyer, too.”

Sunday, October 17th, 2010

All I wanted to do was submit a piece to the New Yorker. September 30, 2010

David Remnick, Editor
The New Yorker
4 Times Square
New York, NY 10036

Dear Mr. Remnick:

As Pogo once said, “My head bone hurts.”

It’s because I wanted to submit a piece to Shouts and Murmurs, but found conflicting information online. One entry stressed that I must not include the article in the body of the message, but to include it as an attachment. Another entry said I must not send anything as an attachment, but to include it in the body of the message. And, a separate entry praised the founder of The New Yorker: “Howard” Ross, rather than Harold Ross. Fact checkers arise. Or awaken.

So, I thought I’d submit in the old fashioned way. If you like it, you know where to find me. If you don’t, go ahead and recycle it. Just my small part in helping the environment. I hope Al Gore will forgive me for the tree I killed for this ephemera.

Sincerely,

John Bohannon

Sunday, October 17th, 2010

I’m trying to imagine a world with no hypothetical questions.