Archive for August, 2010

Sarah Palin is a lightweight. She couldn’t find her own butt with both hands and a roadmap.

Friday, August 6th, 2010

And One More Thing…

Sunday, August 1st, 2010

The other day I suddenly realized that I was in a theatre audience of truly old people. I’m talking old here. I’ve reached a plateau where kids think of me as an ancient ruin, perhaps a stand-in for the Easter Island gang, but these people outranked me. The average age was deceased. They were so old, when they were in school there was no history class. They were so old, rainbows were still in black and white. They were so old, the Ten Commandments was a work in progress.

The occasion was a debut performance by a B-list film actor who decided he could sing. And expect people to pay for the privilege of witnessing his on-the-job training as a vocalist.

It was, well, interesting. He could carry a tune just so far and then UPS had to take it the rest of the way. But the audience was more entertaining than the show onstage.

Most had hearing problems, and many were so old and bewildered they probably wondered why they were there. (Why are we in this handbasket and where are we heading?) Many often had to stand up and stumble along the rows to go pee or have heart attacks. And they talked to each other in very loud voices because the guy up there singing was making it difficult to hear what their friends were saying about Aunt Sylvia or Uncle Fred.

At one point, the singer acknowledged a celebrity in the audience, a spotlight found him in the front row, but some old geezer in the back stood up and announced that he really had to go pee. Now. Many people in that section believed he was the celebrity and applauded him as he hobbled across numerous feet to reach the aisle. Of course, when he got there he had forgotten what he had wanted to do, so he rehobbled back to his seat.

Note to singer: Don’t give up your day job as an actor.

He probably thought he got a standing ovation, but people were just grateful to leave the theatre.

The event was like being in the out-takes of a didactic Woody Allen movie that went straight to video.

This Just In

Sunday, August 1st, 2010

I put spot remover on my dog and I can’t find him.