Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category

Getting Older

Wednesday, March 1st, 2017

Getting Older Means…

…It feels like the morning after, but you didn’t go anywhere the night before.

…Your kids start looking middle aged.

…The older you get the better you used to be.

…Always use valet parking. That guy never forgets where he parked the car.

…There’s not enough room in your medicine cabinet.

…These days Happy Hour means taking a nap.

…You start believing in the Hereafter because you walk into a room and wonder what you’re here after.

…It feels like the morning after…Oh, wait, we did that already.

I’ll Drink To That

Thursday, February 16th, 2017

Booze and calculus don’t mix. So don’t drink and derive.

Never trust camels and anyone else who can go for a week without a drink.

Sign on a singles bar: Come in and meet your future ex-wife.

Sign on a store: Unattended children will be given espresso and a free puppy.

Sign on a bar: Drink triple…see double…act single.

Don’t drink and drive. You might spill something.

feature article in cabaret scenes

Thursday, December 1st, 2016

Here’s what Betsyann Faiella has to say about yours truly: “John is smooth talking in the best way possible. His voice is soothing and controlled, and his jokes on-air are brief, clean and subtle.” Here’s where you can read the entire article. Thanks Betsyann and Cabaret Scenes!

And one more thing: If the shoe fits, buy the other one, too.

Monday, August 4th, 2014

The Name Game

Monday, August 4th, 2014

Now that the Washington Redskins no longer offend certain sensitive ears, we hear that other teams are going along with the PC crowd and also changing their nicknames.
The Kansas City Chiefs are now called the Kansas City Important People.
The Atlanta Braves have become the Atlanta Not Afraid Of Anything.
The Cleveland Indians are called the Cleveland Native Americans.
The Carolina Panthers have become The Carolina Very Large Cats.
The New York Yankees are the New York Northern Folks.
The New Orleans Saints name has been changed to the New Orleans Perfect People.
The Los Angeles Angels are the Los Angeles Other Perfect People.
The San Diego Padres are now the San Diego Friends.
The Oakland Raiders will be known as The Oakland Borrowers.
The Pittsburgh Pirates are the Pittsburgh Guys Who Wear Bandanas.
The San Diego Chargers are the San Diego We’ll Pay Cash.
The New York Giants are the New York Very Tall People.
The San Francisco Giants will be called the San Francisco West Coast Very Tall People.
The Cincinnati Reds are the Cincinnati No We Are Not Pinko Commies.
The Milwaukee Brewers are the Milwaukee Soft Drinks.
There.
Is everybody happy now?

John Bohannon Featured in New York Newsday

Monday, May 5th, 2014

On May 2nd, New York Newsday published an article on John Bohannon in their “Act 2” series. You can read the article here.

jnb newsday

Photo by Heather Walsh.

 

The Dinner Party

Monday, May 5th, 2014

It was the dinner party from hell and I was there.  Carol, a friend of mine, loves to host elaborate dinners, and she invited me to one recently with a dozen guests that included family and friends. She had planned this event carefully for months. The invitations clearly stated that it was an adult gathering, but Carol’s sister brought her kids, three and four. A friend brought her four year old, and another friend arrived with her sulky teenager who made it clear that she was being forced to associate with adults, like, you know, strange beings from another planet? The unexpected guests meant extra chairs at the dining room table, but Carol was unflappable. Everyone gathered near a well stocked bar and settled down, balancing drinks and fancy hors d’oeuvres. An intense woman dressed entirely in black and wearing no makeup said, “Well, who’s ready to start a good convo?”

I had never heard anyone in real life use a made-up cyber word, so I said, “Hey, how about those Mets?”

“Oh, puhleeze,” Ms. Convo lady whined. “Sports is boring.”

“Shouldn’t it be sports are boring?” I said.

She heaved a sigh. “Look, I just got back from a vaycay. I’m still relaxed. Don’t stress me with a tude.”

“Well,” I said, “we could always discuss the merits of trying to round off infinity.” This resulted in blank stares all around. The sulky teenager was listening to her iPod while she popped her gum and nodded in time to her secret melodies. Two of the younger children began playing with handheld games, and one kid without a game wanted to have his turn, but the other kids refused to share. They got into a raucous argument, but no parent intervened. The children eventually tried the hors d’oeuvres, but immediately spit them out because they were yucky and gross. Various convos had broken out among the group and everyone, except iPod girl, seemed to be having a good time.

A guest named Bernice waddled into the kitchen and asked Carol when dinner would be ready.  When told it would be about an hour, she said, “Oh, no. My Harold needs nourishment right now. Make him a grilled cheese.” Carol reminded Bernice of the snacks, but her Harold needed something more substantial. Bernice opened the oven door and tried to figure out what was in there. “It’s a roast,” Carol said, closing the door.

Bernice opened the door again and sniffed. “My Harold don’t eat roast beef. I can’t see in there. This oven have a light in it?” She started pushing buttons to find a light while Carol put some final touches on side dishes. A guest came in and suggested that Carol hurry out to the living room because one of the children was urinating in a planter. “Oh that’s Spencer,” his mother said, smiling. “He’s just expressing himself.” Somehow, Carol maintained her composure as a gracious hostess, even when a guest reminded Carol that he and his wife never eat anything prepared in a microwave because of the dangers of irradiated food.

“It’s not being irradiated,” Carol said, “just reheated,” and returned to the kitchen. Bernice popped back in and asked if her Harold’s grilled cheese was ready. A loud crash from the living room sounded ominous and Carol rushed in and saw that one of the kids had climbed onto a bookcase, which had fallen down on top of him. He wasn’t injured, but several guests berated Carol for not making her house childproof. No one offered to pick up the books or the bookcase, and Carol hurried back to the kitchen.

A guest came in waving his empty glass, “You’re out of ice cubes.” Carol told him there were plenty of ice cubes in a huge container in the corner, and he helped himself, but didn’t take some cubes out to the living room for others. A woman wandered in and wondered if Carol had any computer games that would keep the children occupied, because they were bored. Carol said no, and the woman said, “Well, you’ll have to find something for them to do.”

“Excuse me, but my Harold’s grilled cheese? Where is it?”

Moments later in the living room Carol said, with a slight edge to her voice, that dinner would be a little delayed because someone had inadvertently turned off the oven while looking for the oven light.  The hors d’oeuvres were gone by then but no one seemed to mind that dinner would be a little late, except for Bernice, who was outraged that her Harold’s grilled cheese was still pending. The woman who had brought her four-year old, abruptly bundled him up and said they were leaving. She had a large bulky package with her, and said goodbye rather quickly.

About ten minutes later Carol, looking distraught, came into the living room, and explained that dinner would be a little changed because the woman who had just left, the one with the large package, had taken the roast beef with her. Bernice wanted to know how this would affect her Harold’s grilled cheese, the children were demanding cookies and computer games, and Spencer had to express himself again.

Carol said dinner would be served soon: Green beans almondine with wilted spinach and garlic, baby red tomatoes with goat cheese, zucchini with porcini mushrooms and balsamic vinegar. And, she gave me a quick glance, grilled cheddar panini. I joined her in the kitchen and handed her the processed cheese slices and slices of white bread, along with a double martini–hold the vermouth–and a reminder that mass murder would be quite unseemly and most likely illegal.

PAKISTANI JUSTICE

Saturday, April 19th, 2014

Pakistani Justice, a true news story.

Musa Khan was among a group of people involved in a dispute with Pakistani police in Lahore. Police showed up in the neighborhood because some people had illegal power lines, allowing them to have electricity in their homes without paying for it, a common practice in Pakistan. When police disconnected those lines, fights broke out between residents and cops. It was a brawl involving about 30 residents and crowds of Pakistani police. Fists and clubs were flying and police charged numerous people, including Musa Khan with attempted murder.
The cops hauled him into the police station, fingerprinted him and took him to court where bail was set. But a judge subsequently dismissed the charges. Musa Kahn is nine months old.

A Few Thoughts

Thursday, April 10th, 2014

 

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all the evidence that you tried.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can get someone else to do for you today.

If the shoe fits, buy the other one, too.

Make sure brain is in gear before operating mouth.

The day after tomorrow is the second day of the rest of your life.

If all the politicians in America stood in a single line, it would stretch around the world. And many of them would drown.

Never eat what you can’t pronounce.

Originality is the art of being the first one to do it again.

 

Actual newspaper headlines. Yes, these are real.

Wednesday, March 26th, 2014

Bugs Flying Around With Wings Are Flying Bugs.

Federal Agents Raid Gun Shop, Find Weapons.

Statistics Show That Teen Pregnancy Drops Off Significantly  After Age 25.

Diana Was Still Alive Hours Before She Died.

17 Remain Dead in Morgue Shooting Spree.

Worker Suffers Leg Pain After Crane Drops 800-Pound Ball On His Head.

Homicide Victims Rarely Talk To Police.

Marijuana Issue Sent To A Joint Committee.

Parents Keep Kids Home To Protest School Closure.

Meeting On Open Meetings Is Closed.

Starvation Can Lead To Health Hazards.

Man With 8 DUIs Blames Drinking Problem.

Hospitals Resort To Hiring Doctors.

Bridges Help People Cross Rivers.